Can you feel it?

Can you feel it?

As the world turns its attention to normalcy, I find this normalcy aberrant. As Robert Bosnak puts it in a recent seminar I watched online, the world rushes towards Resurrection. But I feel I am still on the Cross. I cannot move from here, because my limbs are pinned. What I can do right now is feel this phenomenon of being forsaken by reality, by Nature. It has forsaken my civilized goals and instead it gave me much richness on the inside. But it has completely paralyzed me outside.

I cannot rush towards Resurrection even when I see the entire world doing so.  It is precisely because the entire world around me resumes and rushes to a new sense of normality that looks exactly like it did before COVID.

If I cannot fight this virus and I cannot see it, then how am I supposed to ignore it?

More so, if the world around me ignores it, I feel compelled to keep isolating myself, to the best of my abilities. I see the world rushing to paint new-found happiness in the aftermath of lifted restrictions, but we forget what is most essential: that we cannot fight what we do not see unless we take precautions.

That means limiting what we used to do. Limiting who we used to be. Adapting to new identities.

We seem to fail it and that scares me.

I try to hold on to what used to bring me joy. I create new things that bring me joy. Most of my days are about doing what I used to do but in a different fashion.

As the world around me resumes the old, with a new-found sense of freedom, I fear I am left behind.

I fear my choice is either obsolescence or disease. And in between the two, there will always be anxiety lurking around, carrying uncertainty and remorse.

I fear that whatever choice I make, I cannot win this game.

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